My Top Ten Favorite Songs Of The Decade (2000-2009)

Two complaints I want to get out of the way:

1. No, I did not print this list in 2010, so I do not know for a fact that my Top Ten will remain unscathed entering next year. This is meant as a snapshot of my favorite songs from this decade as of October 22nd, 2009. I can say that the content of the list, and the rankings as you see them here, have little chance of changing, barring an unforeseen volley of brilliance from the music industry (I would place bets).

2. These are not my picks for the BEST songs of the decade, although obviously I think they are. They are the songs from this decade that have moved me the most powerfully, and consequently, this list is ranked by the psychology of which tracks affected me the most, peaking at the number one position. It's very simple.


10. The Wallflowers - 'Sleepwalker'

- The oddball selection of the list, first for my general apathy towards the Wallflowers (I barely like more than a handful of tracks they have released - 'One Headlight' being the pinnacle), and the bizarre lyrical content of the song, which is occasionally outrageous: "I'm in your movie and everyone looks sad. But I can hear you, your voice, the laughtrack. But you never saw my best scene. The one where I sleep...
Sleepwalk into your dreams." The emotional pull of the song is undeniable, however, and the crisp instrumentation buoys Jakob Dylan's raspy voice and gives the lyrics a dream-like undertow. This is the most lush and successfully 'epic' mainstream single to come down the pike in many a moon.

9. Alien Ant Farm - 'Sarah Wynn'

- One of the most powerful and devastating songs about substance abuse ever made, Alien Ant Farm's 'Sarah Wynn' is an intensely personal and affecting of one man's love for a hopeless heroin addict, contrasting his warm memories of affection with heartbreaking pleas. The singer pleads all he can, but accepts and seems reigned to the inevitable tragedy of her situation: "What the hell were you thinking? I can't help you know, Sarah. Why the hell were you shooting up? Now you're coming down, Sarah." A bleakly hopeless, but nevertheless humanistic and pitifully humane ode to a fallen friend and lover, this is the peak of AAF's quietly impressive career.

8. At The Drive In - 'One Armed Scissor'

- For pure visceral impact, few could do better than At The Drive In, and they never put the pieces together as successfully as they did on 'One Armed Scissor' ever again. The relentless urgency of the guitar lines, the descending thumb of the bassline, and the increasingly oppressive lyrics portray a dark, nail-biting voyage into the unknown, the band's pummeling unity bringing the arguably ridiculous events of the songs closer and closer to complete eruption (upon which the band savagely delivers with the explosive chorus). In terms of sheer power, this track is the premiere argument for naming At The Drive In one of the most powerful and effortlessly assured bands of its time.

7. Incubus - 'Megalomaniac'

Incubus' most direct flirtation with the arena of politics, " A Crow Left Of The Murder" (one which they have since abandoned following the album's rapidly dwindling sales), produced some of the band's finest, most focused work. Among these is the best track of their career, the vital and endlessly energetic politick explosion 'Megalomaniac', which denounces the leader of our government circa 2005 (mr.youknowwho) with a cutting, razor-sharp edge: "Hey Megalomaniac, you're no Jesus, yeah you're no fucking Elvis. Wash your hands clean of yourself baby and step down. Step down. Step down." The guitar work is even more vicious, spitting out memorable riff after riff, but allowing for some much needed levity with the graceful, lilting mid-section of the song, which allows Incubus to indulge in some rather effective R.E.M. emulation. Their tragic shift from the album's strident and affecting tone backl to more standard fare with 2008's "Light Grendes" renders this as perhaps the peak achievement of the band's career for all time.

6. Chevelle - 'Closure'

A deliciously sharp and twisted descent into seething vitriol, 'Chevelle's 'Closure' evidences little subtlety in it's sonic barrage, using the relatively silent and suppressed first verse as a setup for the blisteringly manic second verse, which takes the band's considerable ability into full overdrive. The singer's slowly building anger builds with the guitar's shuffling menace into a wall of dense mania that the band has seldom approached afterwards, and never bettered. Taken as a couplet with 'The Red', this track can be seen as a part of a thematic couplet exploring the themes of the band (mostly, the primal force of the human id) in their most crystallized form, shedding alt-rock cliches and leaving a sizable imprint upon the listener's psyche, as well as their eardrums.

5. System Of A Down - 'Chop Suey'

- System Of A Down's most popular song by a mile, a thematic continuation from their early highlight 'Soil' (which decried the death of one of Serj Tankian's best friends via suicide) is a song with unending force and a cathartic intensity. The band creates a feverish intensity with Serj's machine-gun vocal delivery, Daron Malkian's guitar stomps, and John Dolmayan's thunderous drum beat, quickly escalating from anger and sharply observed details of parental abuse to unremitting tragedy, which is extended further into the heartbreaking bridge, which lays bare the conflict - and shattering desolation - of the song's subject. System Of A Down have many excellent pieces of work (their collective discography displays no weak links), and this song stands in particular as one of their finest products, a searing work of genuine emotional depth.

4. A.F.I. - 'Great Disappointment'

- After a string of gradually improving albums to kickstart the 2000's (dating back to the band's landmark 1999 record, "Black Sails In The Sunset"), A.F.I finally reached their creative peak with the densely atmospheric and melodic "Sing The Sorrow", the rare mainstream record that uses it's increased budget to improve and tighten the overall sound of the music. The best of these tracks, the slow-building epic 'The Great Disappointment' starts with a lone bassline, soon accompanied in sequential order by drums and guitar, building to a powerfully baroque forest of sound, punctuated by staggeringly beautiful guitar melodies and Davey Havok's piercing cries, which renders the song's triumphantly tragic chorus a pummeling surge of dark energy and increasing bleakness. After this creative peak, A.F.I. would still create noteworthy albums and singles, but no album of their since has unified in sound as well as "Sing The Sorrow" and no song of their entire canon holds the hypnotic grasp of 'The Great Disappointment'. Indeed, few contemporary songs do.

3. Eminem - 'Stan'

Eminem's shattering soliloquy about the vagaries of fate and the unexpected consequence of fame upon even the most conscientious of celebrities and their devoted fans, 'Stan' is at once a powerful tragedy steeped in pessimism about the human race and a beautiful, almost inviting lull into the private life of a developing sociopath. The escalating terror of the lyrics, which are punctuated by instances of black humor ("Dear Slim, yiou still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have the chance. I ain't mad, I just think it's fucked up you don't answer your fans") build to a horrific act of cruel violence that is rendered punishingly intimate by both the lyrics and the crisp, remarkable production, which details the absurd yet mundane minutiae of Stan's pathetic odyssey to the abyss with a delicate force. One of Eminem's most despairing tracks (and his music tends to be rather nihilistic to begin with), 'Stan' is an ode to the negative side of humanity, providing small consolation to the listener and instead elevating to the level of great fiction.

2. Radiohead - 'Jigsaw Falling Into Place'

- A mysterious, sexy dive into the often scary arena of courtship (wrapped in a menacingly oblique world of oppressive gloom and jagged, descending melody), Radiohead's 'Jigsaw Falling Into Place' is less an attempt to expand Radiohead's critical stature as innovators and more of a genuine song, a welcome deviation from the forced (yet not altogether unsuccessful) experimentation of "Kid A". The relentless momentum of the song never flags, and the bizarrely threatening lyrics squealed by Thom Yorke at fever pitch ("The walls abandon shape; you've got a cheshire cat gurn. All blurrring into one; this place is on a mission") catapult the song into an ethereal realm, divorced of the limitations of reality, fully embracing the surreal nightmare of human sexuality. This is easily Radiohead's best work of recent, dating back to their remarkable 'Paranoid Android', and one of their finest tracks in general.

1. System Of A Down - 'Holy Mountains'

The ultimate track of the new millennium, System of a Down's brutal, uncompromising look at one of the previous century's greatest horrors is a startling testament to the depths of human cruelty and brutality, a grim and ugly look at genocide and the undercurrents of resentment and paranoia that its victims must accept as daily reality. Beginning with a slithering, serpentine guitar hook, the song starts off with a chant mimicking the guitar lead before quickly elevating to a full-on explosion of lamentation and tortured agony. The opening verse lays bare the eerie, haunting absence of the deceased ("Can.. you.. feel their... haunting presence?") before unexpectedly darting to accusation ("LIAR. KILLER. DEMON. Back to the River Aras!") and then culminating in a swirling crescendo that unfolds with the precision of a tide approaching shore. The song's lyrics, spare as they are, create a desolately unsettling sense of random terror, seismic blasts of horror and degradation. In the song's final outpour of persecuted agony, the band hits their stride with full, unmitigated force, tearing the listener down to the role of victim and mercilessly smashing the dying light of hope into the ground, leaving only the murdered, defiled corpse in its wake, to reprimand us for our ignorance of history and also to remind us of it's inescapable existence. A track of transcendent force and genuine wrath, System Of A Down's peak as a band is also one of the mightiest political statements ever made on record.


~Peace
**Phil(ius)

My 20 Favorite Rap Records (w/links)

Yes, it's list time. Just to warn those who dislike rap; you will hate this note. Also, if you dislike Flavor Flav, Lil Wayne, or Snoop Dogg, you will also want to leave. My #1 pick may anger you - but I'll be damned if it isn't the best choice there is, a decision I'm sticking with.

(Note-note: This was randomly tagged, for the most part. If you don't want to be included, then you may opt out of your tag.)

The First Ten:

20. EPMD 'Strictly Business'

19. Lil Wayne 'Tha Carter II'

18. Dr. Dre 'The Chronic'

17. Public Enemy 'Yo Bum Rush The Show'

16. The Beastie Boys 'Licensed To Ill'

15. Jay-z 'The Blueprint'

14. Eminem 'The Slim Shady LP'

13. Nas 'Illmatic'

12. The Geto Boys 'We Can't Be Stopped'

11. Public Enemy 'It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back'

The Top Ten:

10. Company Flow 'Funcrusher Plus' - Crazy, crazy shit. It's hard to express just how different and amazing this album is without mentioning just what it accomplished. It MADE underground rap back in 1995, and lyrically, the texture is deep you could swim in it. Absolute classic. And yes, that is one spot above Public Enemy's most overrated (but excellent) record.

9. Run-DMC 'Raising Hell' - A very obvious choice, but that's only because it's brilliant on each level, from the lyrics to the melodies to Rick Rubin's sterling production. It's hard to find fault with a record this amazing and fresh, and I won't even try. A genuine hip hop classic.

8. DMX '...And Then There Was X' - I expect a lashing for putting DMX so high, but it is the skeptics who deserve the throttling. Even with filler aside, give me a handful of albums with more 'Uuuumph!' and cojones than this classic, and I'll call you the better man. The hardcore crown was handed from on high to X after this record, and it's not difficult to see what all the hubbub and chart success was about.

7. Eminem 'The Marshall Mather LP' - A masterpiece front-to-back, Eminem's 'Marshall Mathers LP' does what many great hip hop records do; it takes a quality debut and improves upon it in every way, taking the brilliant rawness of the original and replacing it with finesse, better songcraft, and even darker subject matter. If 'Kim' doesn't keep you up nights, you need a head check.

6. Eric B. and Rakhim 'Paid In Full' - A classic, and maybe a stereotypical choice for a top ten, but that's only testament to how accomplished this record is and how justified the hype was. It's difficult to imagine a smoother mic-artist than Rakhim, and the production is both lush and as real and immediate as a punch to the gut.

5. The Wu-Tang Clan 'Enter The Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)' - Maybe the best debut in all of rap, Wu-Tang's first - and undeniably best - record is a masterpiece that brings disparate styles and samples together and blends them on 'puree'; the effect is truly mind-blowing. It is hard to dismiss tracks like 'C.R.E.AM.' or 'Shame On A Ni**a' for sheer visceral impact, and the album never skips a beat.

4. Public Enemy 'Fear Of A Black Planet' - The finest record the boys ever put together, without question, and a call to arms for hip hop that has never been equaled in it's direct cerebral blast - the album provides food for thought and great production suites to go along with the expected rigtheous anger and aggression. It is capped with the group's best track, 'Fight The Power', which brings their finest moment to a rightfully momentous end.

3. A Tribe Called Quest 'The Low End Theory' - Probably the smoothest record ever made, Tribe's 1991 opus is one of the best rap records ever released, no question. It is also one of the finest albums of the 90's. The deft blend of beats, jagged but inspired bass lines, and effortless MC flow (especially from Q-Tip) is a difficult combo to beat - one which the group, despite being a class act for their entire existence, never approached again.

2. Dr. Octagon 'Dr. Octagonecologyst' - The BIZARRE record to top them all, and the number one Sci-fi rap record ever made with nary a doubt, Kool Keith's alter-ego Dr. Octagon made a legitimate name for rap in the rock underground with this release. Other than Public Enemy's releases, no hip hop album had really pleased the rock critics so fully, and their instincts were not in error. This is great music, no matter what side of the wax-tracks you live on.

1. The Beastie Boys 'Paul's Boutique' - Attack me, acid-wash my glasses, stomp on my liver if you need to, but the group who decided to plunge rap into parody in 86' came back in 89' with a record twice as fast, miles deeper, and with a production crew (the justly famous Dust Brothers) that, no offense to Mr. Rubin, gelled with the Boys like no other. This is the funniest, most complex, eclectic and endearing record the genre has ever produced, and repeat listens only deepen the impact of the already-excellent material. This album is, quite literally, perfect. If you doubt me, pick it out of your collection (or snatch it from the local store) and test it out. You won't be disappointed.

Why I Love The 90's (Part 2)

Note In A Note (Oh NOOOO-te): Part Dos Covers The Music Of The 1990's. For anyone who likes bad music, you may ignore this note - you will find nothing of interest here. For anyone who actually knows who made the theme to the show 'House' - well, you've found the right note. Here are five of the major hot spots of music in the 90's.


1. Grunge
The first and arguably most prominent sub-genre of the music to be explored today is the grunge genre, which included Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice In Chains, Soundgarden, The Smashing Pumpkins, and alt-rock pioneers such as Stone Temple Pilots and Seven Mary Three. Just kidding. The movement reached it's peak in the years 1991 through roughly 1994.


What was notable:
Grunge was harder than hair-metal, and also much less sentimental. Ballads were not the norm, although introspective songs about failed love and depression were relatively popular. The basic lack of focus on aesthetic was notable in that folks like Kurt Cobain and Layne Staley, NOT photo-genic men, were able to be roch stars while looking like your average CVS-worker. The quality of the music was generally VERY high, especially in the first three years, as Pearl Jam and Nirvana were duking it out for album sales (which Pearl Jam won, later losing the all-time popularity war to Nirvana when Kurt Cobain kicked the bucket). Some amazing songs, such as '1979', 'Down In A Hole', 'Come As You Are, and my favorite all-time track, 'Black', were recorded during this era, and the era has had a very heavy influence on mainstream rock now (Seether only has a career BECAUSE of grunge). The movement died when Kurt died, and if you agree with certain people, so did the last great wave of rock'n'roll.


2. Trip Hop
The next sub-genre to be mentioned is the irresistible Trip Hop. For an example of Trip Hop, please find someone who proclaims to have good musical taste and ask to skim their iPod. If this person is telling the truth, you will see artists such as Massive Attack, Tricky, Kid Loco, Portishead, and maybe even Bjork. These are some prominent members of the Trip Hop movement. Even close relatives, such as the Cocteau Twins (whose vocalist, Elizabeth Frazer, did some work with Massive Attack), Air, and Fila Brazilia made a marked impact in the 90's with some pretty funk-y music.


Why it mattered:
Trip hop was a trail-blazing, markedly unique style that blended electronica with more introspective elements and twisted the definitions of the genre. It is a much more moody, bass-driven sound that seeks to inspire menace with it's beats instead of satisfying the need to dance or get funky (although it wasn't above trying both at the same time!).


Notable band: Green Day
Sure, their influence has been roughly negligible, but there's no denying their achievement with the 94' album 'Dookie', which is as good a modern punk record as any, flooding radio with singles left and right while maintaining the best aspects of their influences. They would actually grow relevant in a more respectable way in the 00's, but there are some people in some corners who would say that they reached their peak when they eschewed politics in favor of songs about sexual frustration and laziness. Along with No Doubt and STP, they were also one of the 90's more memorable singles outfits. Don't forget to check out 'Kerplunk', which is vastly underrated, and one of their earlier songs, 'One For The Razorbacks', which is a shredding delight.


3. Alternative Rock
Alternative/indie rock hit a popular peak in the 90's, with bands like My Bloody Valentine reaching their peak (the unendingly brilliant 'Loveless') and new acts like Pavement (the ultimate AND penultimate indie rock band) and Uncle Tupelo knocking on the doors of music history. Beck, Radiohead, and Weezer all began breathing in the 90's, and have since withstood the test of time as career acts. Depeche Mode, a seminal 80's band, hit their stride on 1990's 'Violator', universally acknowledged as the group's masterpiece, and U2 even made an album which fit into this genre, 1991's 'Achtung Baby' (which is probably their best album all around). Mostly, 80's alt. bands like Sonic Youth, Dinosaur Jr., The Pixies, and even The Replacements (for one amazing album) made records in the 90's of generally lesser substance than their 80's work, but nevertheless numerous members of each band kept things interesting (Kim Deal's Breeders, especially). Overall, Alt. rock gasped it's last genuine breath of relevance in the 90's, bolstered by grunge acts like The Smashing Pumpkins who also fit into the scene incredibly well. In an ironic twist, R.E.M. made their best song ('Losing My Religion') and best album ('Automatic For The People') in the 90's, otherwise negating a decade's worth of meandering material.


Why it mattered:
Because alternative rock is the best genre, ever. What, fuck you, I don't have to be objective. This is my note. Just agree.


4. Rap/Hip Hop - While the late 80's have been called by some the golden age of rap, the early and mid 90's proved to be as productive for the genre before it collapsed (at least in terms of mainstream quality) in the late 90's and continued limping on into the bleak 2000's. Some of the best artists of the 80's, like Public Enemy and EPMD, produced substantial work in the 90's, while new rappers, ranging from underground sensations like Dr. Octagon and Company Flow to more commercial artists like The Wu-Tang Clan, Tupac, Nas, and possibly the quintessential 90's rapper, The Notorious B.I.G., created work of extremely high quality that have influenced thousands of artists. The 90's will likely be known most for the emergence of gangster rap, but the best music of this movement was few and far between - although Dr. Dre's 'The Chronic' is one of the best of all hip hop records, and Snooop Dogg's debut, 'Doggystyle', was nearly as good - and possibly led to a descent in overall quality that could be considered acceptable for a rap artist. The ideal rapper image shifted from more cerebral rhyme-spitters like Rakhim to something resembling a prototypical 50 Cent.


Why it mattered: Because rap will always matter, on one level or the other, even if, like modern rock, it has become a negative part of the mainstream music scene. Usually, the quotient of quality for popular artists in the genre is quite low; back in the 90's, this was a much more even (if decidedly flawed - Vanilla Ice, anyone?) playing field, gangster posturing aside.


Notable artist: No Doubt
Genre-bereft in the early and mid-90's, No Doubt crafted some charmingly memorable tunes at their peak, including the amazing 'Don't Speak' and the over-played-but-still-worthwhile 'I'm Just A Girl', amassing a large fan base in the mid-90's. They adopted the better elements of New Wave while adding a more contemporary mood of alienation to their work. By the tail end of the 90's, however, they fell into a slump commercially, but, unlike alot of bands from the 90's, No Doubt's clout actually improved with the passing of the decade, the group reaching their peak with 2001's 'Rock Steady', and Gwen Stefani has long since become a solo superstar, dwarfing the group.


5. Punk: Punk reached it's popular peak thanks to Green Day in 1994, but while things seemed bright for the genre in light of the success of numerous bands, including the Offspring's phenomenally successful album, 'Smash', the genre was slowly dying, becoming more selective and even laid-back, while 80's bands likes Bad Religion (who perhaps peaked with 1990's 'Against The Grain') began to patter out and create more pedestrian works. The genre was strengthened by the arrival of 'riot grrl' groups like Bikini Kill and Sleater Kinney, and there were a few contained moments of brilliance for the genre (I personally think Pennywise's chunk of music from 1991 to 1997 is particularly impressive), but overall, the arrival of pop punk bands like Blink 82 perhaps de-fanged the art form irreparably.

Why it mattered: The last true gasp of punk, the 90's saw the genre grow weaker yet contained the last few consistent nuggets of greatness the genre had to offer. There are still quality bands who play punk, but the movement as is has been left for dead.

Why I Love The 90's (Part 1)

Now, all of you youngsters who were born in the early 90's may not understand where I'm coming from with this new note, what with your '80's Rule!' t-shirts and all. Let me inform you on how silly and crappy this decade is compared to the last one, and why the 80's dying were the best thing to ever happen. Ever. My childhood is better than yours.


I was born on January 9th, 1987. I spent the majority of my formative years in the 90's. I idolized 'Jurassic Park' at the beginning of it's theatrical release. I had the first velociraptor of everyone in Yantacaw (even if it was orange..?). In fact, I owned all of the JP toys. Even when they didn't make sense (why is the Dennis Nedry figure skinny?). Because it was the craze. And it was a good craze, too. What is cooler than killing fake people with way cooler fake dinosaurs? When I got my lower lip split open with a hockey stick in 97', my reward was a female T-Rex (but that was the best figure) from 'The Lost World'. You know, the one that ripped Eddie Carr in half like a twizzler? Anyways. What do you have now? Pixar toys? Lame. What are you going to do with those, share poignant life lessons? 'Remember not to be overprotective of your son, Marlin'. Fun for all ages of retard. I'd say I was digressing here, but you ain't seen nothing yet.


TV Shows Then And Now:

No comparison. Fuck 'Malcolm In The Middle'. We had 'Pete and Pete'. Is there even a parallel today that can stand up to 'Kablam!', 'Are You Afraid Of The Dark?' ? The best kid's shows, hands down, were in the 90's. Now everything has to be 'cool' in the most boring, conventional sense - whereas 'Ren & Stimpy' were only conventional if you were Jeffrey Dahmer taking a brief reprieve from eating gay black and asian guys. 'Rocko's Modern Life', 'Doug' (which daringly features races that don't even exist yet), and the ultimate Nicktoon, 'Rugrats', make childrens shows today look moronic. You younger kids don't understand the hilarity of Tommy's Dad stalking him like a drugged out zombie late at night to the tune of a 50's sci-fi flick - and that is your loss. I'd say get it on DVD, but most of those shows are too awesome to put on DVDs without literally blowing Blockbuster up with awesome fireworks.

On the 'mature' end of the spectrum, the 90's had the bulk of the best episodes of 'Seinfeld', the Simpsons, the beginning season of 'Family Guy', and the original run and humongous popularity of the still amazing 'South Park', which featured not only George Clooney acting as a gay dog, but playing himself via ER surgeon in an epic movie adaptation (still the best of it's ilk). 'Everybody Loves Raymond' got it's initial run in the 90's, while 80's-originating series like 'Frasier' and 'Married... With Children' were still chucking out episodes. HBO also got it's start, with awesome shows like 'Sex And The City, 'Oz', and the most popular drama series up until 2006, 'The Sopranos'.

Amazing things on TV your childhood wish it had:

Power Rangers: No, not that new badly acted garbage. The old badly acted garbage, which charmed with it's silly outrageousness and complete sexism, racism, and homo-erotic undertones. Seriously, who can doubt that Jason and Tommy were destined to fall in love - together they make Christmas colors. Aww.
Rocko's Modern Life: You have to love a kid's show that has the cojones to feature not only naked, talking cows, digestive vacuums, and 'Shining' references, but Australian people. The fortune cookie episode is a classic of the medium. Seriously, who doesn't remember that?
The WB!: Hell yes, I would be kicking my own ass for not mentioning this. 'Freakazoid', 'Pinky And The Brain', 'Animaniacs', hell, even 'Tiny Toons'. I haven't seen any of it for at least a decade, but I would easily watch that stuff for hours back when I was a kid. There was something special there - a unified artistic vision.. oh, who am I kidding, it was mindless fun. But it was FUN. Something cable TV has no need for anymore, as evidenced by the WB's swift death this decade.
My So-Called Life: Is there a demographic this couldn't please? It appeals to anyone who's ever been to High School, any guy who's ever seen the episode where Claire Danes hides in her own shirt (oh yes...), and even parents, since the writing in the show actually allows for the parents to be real, sympathetic characters. You know, people. Sure, it's aged about as well as those D.A.R.E. commercials, but whatever. A coming of age dramedy of such substance hasn't been made since...
Freaks And Geeks: The signaling of Judd Apatow's rise to comic grace, the beginning of Seth Rogen and James Franco's careers, a really great series that holds up even better than it's quality (and equally ignored) follow-up, Un-Declared. The sad fact is that if this seemed miles ahead of it's time for 1999, it's still a longshot success even now. Sigh.


'Wait a minute, Phil, what if I didn't watch television in the 90's?'


Hmmm... how about some music?



(To Be Continued)



Until we meet again... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwlMHJE82Mk

Believe me, you know what it is. And it is amazing.

The Vexer Dilemma

Near-screenplay based on Vexer's hatred of the 'Lord Of The Rings' trilogy when he made this his EVERY SINGLE POST. It was deleted because it was mean-spirited but retained because the person who deleted it (ok, Patrick) thought it was funny. It features Majoraphasia, Patrick, myself, James, Sheryl, and a guest appearance by a famed female celebrity (kind of)!

'The Vexer Dilemma'

The clock on the kitchen stove says 8:00 A.M. A man is reading his newspaper. There is an entire meal in front of him; it is still visibly hot, freshly cooked, the chicken still basting in it's marinade. The corn buzzes radiant yellow while the man gently turns each page, chuckling to himself and grimacing in equal measure, veering from Michael Jackson's latest burial plans and the exact number of people it takes to run Google at 4 A.M.. Suddenly, he gets to the ads section, which he peruses, looking for job opportunities. After making numerous grunts and sighs, he finds something which momentarily gives him pause. He gets up, excusing himself, and grabs the phone.


*Ring*


A man wakes up. He is groggy, and takes a slight moment to clear his throat before he picks up the phone


Man:
Hello?

Phil:
Hey, Mark, it's Phil. Hope it's a good time.

Mark:
Well, it's as good a time as it was last time you called. And the one before that. But other than living my life, what can I help you with, Phil?

Phil:
Well, okay, I know this seems sudden, but -


The camera watches Mark's face, Phil's word unheard. Slowly, Mark's expression of detachment turn to a look of absolute horror.


Phil:
... and what's with his user name? It sounds like a bad Sega Genesis ga-


Mark hangs up, quickly dialing a number. He breathlessly awaits a response on the other line.


*Ring, ring*


Next scene: A man is lively awake. He has been playing with two Han Solo action figures. He is currently throwing them at a nearby wall to see which one of them has more durability (I hope). Suddenly, his phone begins to ring. The man walks up to the phone, and checks the number. Relieved, he picks up the phone.


Patrick:
Mark, buddy. What's up? Sorry for the wait. I thought it was..
*in whisper voice*
that other guy who calls me from the forums...

Mark:
Hi Patrick.

Patrick:
*still whispering*
I can tell you what his name starts with...

Mark:
Pat, I'm sorry to be curt, but I have some rather awful news. Apparently, a member from the forum, Vexer, dislikes the Lord Of The Rings trilogy.


Patrick is visibly stressed. He begins to rub his temples as he responds.


Patrick:
.. what would convince him to say that? Those films are modern masterpieces!

Mark: I know, I -

Patrick:
They made Liv Tyler look like a real actress! Name me a Matrix movie that does that!

Mark:
Patrick... I think we need to call the big guy.

Patrick:
*Giggling*
How about a three way?


Mark hangs up. He takes a piece of paper out of his wallet. It is folded up, with the words 'Emergency ONLY - I mean it, Phil. No, really, Mark, tell Phil about that. This is ridiculous'. He opens up the paper; there is a phone number inside. Under the number is the name 'Boss Nelli'. After taking a deep breath, Mark dials the number.


*Ring, ring*


There is a phone in the middle of a dining room. It is a classy, expensive phone. It begins to ring. We hear noise emanating from a nearby closet. The door opens, an aloof man comes out, buttoning his shirt, cursing under his breath. He is wearing a tuxedo, sans jacket, which is hung up on the closet hook. He looks back into the closet.


Man:
I'll be right back, babe.


The man answers the phone, slamming his left palm on the counter for support. He eyes the caller ID, which flashed in bright neon colors below the receiver. He is visibly tired, and agitated.


Man:
Yes, Mark? I'm a little... busy

Mark:
I'm sorry James, but it's an emergency. I think you need to check your local paper.


*Over Mark's phone we hear James rummaging through the latest paper*


James:
Ok, what am I looking for?


While James and Mark are talking, Sheryl descends the staircase. Seeing James is busy, she grabs a tangerine from the middle of the dining room table and leaves the room. As she begins to ascend the staircase, however, she notices the closet door is ajar.


Mark:
Check the ads section. You'll see it there.

James:

What is the article of concern?

Sheryl looks inside the the closet. She giggles a little bit, then closes the door over.


Mark:
Vexer... he hates Lord Of The Rings. I think he wants us all to be aware of it. Like, he's obnoxiously venting any way he can about it. He seems... obsessed.


James throws the paper onto the table.


James:
Why do I give you guys my number, anways?


We hear the click on Mark's end of the phone. Mark puts the phone down.


Mark:
Fucking Phil!


Sheryl is walking up the stairs. James hears her footsteps, and sees the closet door still open, displaying a look of weariness. Sheryl smiles.


Sheryl:
Good night, James. You and air-Zooey have fun, ok?


Sheryl walks upstairs, leaving James standing alone in the middle of the room adjacent the kitchen. James lets off a sigh, and then looks down. His fancy dress shoes are setting upon a half-eaten tangerine.


James:
...Ah, fuck.




Moral Of The Story:

Everything is Vexer's fault.

Rex Reed: A Funny Person

Upon visiting Rotten Tomatoes the other day for advance word on the new Judd Apatow-directed film 'Funny People', I came across a particularly vile, even forcefully hateful review of the film by New York Observer senior critic Rex Reed.

Now, I have not seen 'Funny People' yet. I cannot form the pretense of an opinion over the film yet. But I submit, this is not a review. This is a hateful, repellent, and poorly written assault, both personal and professional, of the entire cast of the film (the remarks about Adam Sandler in a swimsuit is particularly alarming in it's random terror). I ask the New York Observer to defer payment to Rex Reed for his 'work'; he does not deserve a paycheck for bile, nonetheless under-written and tangential bile, under the guise of a film review.

Age-Old Feuds

Welcome, Blog Spot faithful. This is my first exclusive Blog Spot post (I think), and I want to start my time off here with a blast, with something everybody can appreciate - feuds! And I don't just mean any old feud. I mean the epic, decade-spanning, and life-defining feuds of human history. Are you ready for some death?

Nirvana Vs. Pearl Jam

Eddie Vedder and Kurt Cobain are kind of like the Batman and The Joker, if, of course, you're willing to suspend enough belief to imagine Kurt Cobain killing people and Eddie Vedder doing the Batman voice (I fucking dare you not to laugh at that). One is the embattled good guy, trying to do his best in a crooked world which makes him cry silently at night while reads old National Geographic issues, while the other is a nihilistic loner who views life from a pessimistic, detached point of view (I'd say he also follows nobody else's rules, but he WAS married - major ego blow). This is kind of like MJ vs. Prince where the lucky bastard who dies first gets the gold and the other guy shows up on Rolling Stone (or Spin - !!!!) talking about their new album and old tales about running around nude in foreign countries.

Result:

Of course, Kurt ends up winning (and consequently, Nirvana), while Eddie Vedder gets to stick around doing amazing live shows and making film soundtracks that tempt murder.

Germany Vs. France

Any history buffs in here (ok, Jon) will love this rivalry, which might not be as well known as England and France, but it is far more petty and hilarious. Germany formed in 1871 by beating France in the Franco-Prussian War, who were so embittered by their defeat that they decided to respond by repeatedly burning down German villages on the borderline of both countries (in fact, my last name, Spires, derives from the Geramn town Spyre, which the French lovingly burned down a grand total of five times. FIVE times) and complaining to England, who, predictably, sided withFrance, their greatest allies (!), and eventually started WW1, where France and England ruined the world by pushing the Treay Of Versailles down everybody's throats and ignoring US diplomacy to stick it to the Germans. Germany promptly responded by defeating France, splitting them into two halves of the same country, and killing every man, woman, and child of French descent all over the world. Oh, sorry, that was just a dream I had.

Result:

Fuck France.

Nice Guys Vs. Douchebags

You know the guys I mean. The sweet guy tries to make everyone happy and thinks the best way into a girl's heart is helping her with homework during re-runs of 'Friends' who spends his free time developing his mind through academic and artstic pursuits. Then there's the guy who spends all his free time working out and thinking about what his best sex pose is while he tapes videos of himself masturbating for dating websites. Yikes. Of course, this type of man is much more popular with the more attractive women who usually they end ruining life by having sharung her opinions about anything with him, while the sweet guy will inevitably find an emotionally fulfilling relationship with a partner who makes the concept of religious abstinence an attractive option.

The result: I really hate being a guy.

Dogs Vs. Cats

Ok, not a human feud, but still acceptable, being dogs and cats are perfect enemies; in fact, there may be no group or species capable of creating such a disparate amount of results (excepting, perhaps, people vs. traffic). Dogs are by turns innocent, clingy, and plain stupid, while cats are like noir villians, constantly pessimistic and threateningly nonchalant. One has the charm of being lovable and loyal, while the other tempts you towards the dark side and holds you in thrall until you skate the very recesses of the abyss. Damn!

Result:

I'm buying a cat right now.

George W. Bush Vs. Literacy, The Economy, and History Books

I'm just kidding, guys. Not a real feud. It's kind of like 'Obama Vs. The Inevitable Popularity Dive', except that it doesn't make me want to kill myslef every time I read it.

This Vs. That

Who?

Result:

Dead brain cells.

I would go on, but frankly, if you've made it this far, you have issues. Go read a good book and stop reading my wretched blogs (until the next one!).