The Vexer Dilemma

Near-screenplay based on Vexer's hatred of the 'Lord Of The Rings' trilogy when he made this his EVERY SINGLE POST. It was deleted because it was mean-spirited but retained because the person who deleted it (ok, Patrick) thought it was funny. It features Majoraphasia, Patrick, myself, James, Sheryl, and a guest appearance by a famed female celebrity (kind of)!

'The Vexer Dilemma'

The clock on the kitchen stove says 8:00 A.M. A man is reading his newspaper. There is an entire meal in front of him; it is still visibly hot, freshly cooked, the chicken still basting in it's marinade. The corn buzzes radiant yellow while the man gently turns each page, chuckling to himself and grimacing in equal measure, veering from Michael Jackson's latest burial plans and the exact number of people it takes to run Google at 4 A.M.. Suddenly, he gets to the ads section, which he peruses, looking for job opportunities. After making numerous grunts and sighs, he finds something which momentarily gives him pause. He gets up, excusing himself, and grabs the phone.


*Ring*


A man wakes up. He is groggy, and takes a slight moment to clear his throat before he picks up the phone


Man:
Hello?

Phil:
Hey, Mark, it's Phil. Hope it's a good time.

Mark:
Well, it's as good a time as it was last time you called. And the one before that. But other than living my life, what can I help you with, Phil?

Phil:
Well, okay, I know this seems sudden, but -


The camera watches Mark's face, Phil's word unheard. Slowly, Mark's expression of detachment turn to a look of absolute horror.


Phil:
... and what's with his user name? It sounds like a bad Sega Genesis ga-


Mark hangs up, quickly dialing a number. He breathlessly awaits a response on the other line.


*Ring, ring*


Next scene: A man is lively awake. He has been playing with two Han Solo action figures. He is currently throwing them at a nearby wall to see which one of them has more durability (I hope). Suddenly, his phone begins to ring. The man walks up to the phone, and checks the number. Relieved, he picks up the phone.


Patrick:
Mark, buddy. What's up? Sorry for the wait. I thought it was..
*in whisper voice*
that other guy who calls me from the forums...

Mark:
Hi Patrick.

Patrick:
*still whispering*
I can tell you what his name starts with...

Mark:
Pat, I'm sorry to be curt, but I have some rather awful news. Apparently, a member from the forum, Vexer, dislikes the Lord Of The Rings trilogy.


Patrick is visibly stressed. He begins to rub his temples as he responds.


Patrick:
.. what would convince him to say that? Those films are modern masterpieces!

Mark: I know, I -

Patrick:
They made Liv Tyler look like a real actress! Name me a Matrix movie that does that!

Mark:
Patrick... I think we need to call the big guy.

Patrick:
*Giggling*
How about a three way?


Mark hangs up. He takes a piece of paper out of his wallet. It is folded up, with the words 'Emergency ONLY - I mean it, Phil. No, really, Mark, tell Phil about that. This is ridiculous'. He opens up the paper; there is a phone number inside. Under the number is the name 'Boss Nelli'. After taking a deep breath, Mark dials the number.


*Ring, ring*


There is a phone in the middle of a dining room. It is a classy, expensive phone. It begins to ring. We hear noise emanating from a nearby closet. The door opens, an aloof man comes out, buttoning his shirt, cursing under his breath. He is wearing a tuxedo, sans jacket, which is hung up on the closet hook. He looks back into the closet.


Man:
I'll be right back, babe.


The man answers the phone, slamming his left palm on the counter for support. He eyes the caller ID, which flashed in bright neon colors below the receiver. He is visibly tired, and agitated.


Man:
Yes, Mark? I'm a little... busy

Mark:
I'm sorry James, but it's an emergency. I think you need to check your local paper.


*Over Mark's phone we hear James rummaging through the latest paper*


James:
Ok, what am I looking for?


While James and Mark are talking, Sheryl descends the staircase. Seeing James is busy, she grabs a tangerine from the middle of the dining room table and leaves the room. As she begins to ascend the staircase, however, she notices the closet door is ajar.


Mark:
Check the ads section. You'll see it there.

James:

What is the article of concern?

Sheryl looks inside the the closet. She giggles a little bit, then closes the door over.


Mark:
Vexer... he hates Lord Of The Rings. I think he wants us all to be aware of it. Like, he's obnoxiously venting any way he can about it. He seems... obsessed.


James throws the paper onto the table.


James:
Why do I give you guys my number, anways?


We hear the click on Mark's end of the phone. Mark puts the phone down.


Mark:
Fucking Phil!


Sheryl is walking up the stairs. James hears her footsteps, and sees the closet door still open, displaying a look of weariness. Sheryl smiles.


Sheryl:
Good night, James. You and air-Zooey have fun, ok?


Sheryl walks upstairs, leaving James standing alone in the middle of the room adjacent the kitchen. James lets off a sigh, and then looks down. His fancy dress shoes are setting upon a half-eaten tangerine.


James:
...Ah, fuck.




Moral Of The Story:

Everything is Vexer's fault.