Now, all of you youngsters who were born in the early 90's may not understand where I'm coming from with this new note, what with your '80's Rule!' t-shirts and all. Let me inform you on how silly and crappy this decade is compared to the last one, and why the 80's dying were the best thing to ever happen. Ever. My childhood is better than yours.
I was born on January 9th, 1987. I spent the majority of my formative years in the 90's. I idolized 'Jurassic Park' at the beginning of it's theatrical release. I had the first velociraptor of everyone in Yantacaw (even if it was orange..?). In fact, I owned all of the JP toys. Even when they didn't make sense (why is the Dennis Nedry figure skinny?). Because it was the craze. And it was a good craze, too. What is cooler than killing fake people with way cooler fake dinosaurs? When I got my lower lip split open with a hockey stick in 97', my reward was a female T-Rex (but that was the best figure) from 'The Lost World'. You know, the one that ripped Eddie Carr in half like a twizzler? Anyways. What do you have now? Pixar toys? Lame. What are you going to do with those, share poignant life lessons? 'Remember not to be overprotective of your son, Marlin'. Fun for all ages of retard. I'd say I was digressing here, but you ain't seen nothing yet.
TV Shows Then And Now:
No comparison. Fuck 'Malcolm In The Middle'. We had 'Pete and Pete'. Is there even a parallel today that can stand up to 'Kablam!', 'Are You Afraid Of The Dark?' ? The best kid's shows, hands down, were in the 90's. Now everything has to be 'cool' in the most boring, conventional sense - whereas 'Ren & Stimpy' were only conventional if you were Jeffrey Dahmer taking a brief reprieve from eating gay black and asian guys. 'Rocko's Modern Life', 'Doug' (which daringly features races that don't even exist yet), and the ultimate Nicktoon, 'Rugrats', make childrens shows today look moronic. You younger kids don't understand the hilarity of Tommy's Dad stalking him like a drugged out zombie late at night to the tune of a 50's sci-fi flick - and that is your loss. I'd say get it on DVD, but most of those shows are too awesome to put on DVDs without literally blowing Blockbuster up with awesome fireworks.
On the 'mature' end of the spectrum, the 90's had the bulk of the best episodes of 'Seinfeld', the Simpsons, the beginning season of 'Family Guy', and the original run and humongous popularity of the still amazing 'South Park', which featured not only George Clooney acting as a gay dog, but playing himself via ER surgeon in an epic movie adaptation (still the best of it's ilk). 'Everybody Loves Raymond' got it's initial run in the 90's, while 80's-originating series like 'Frasier' and 'Married... With Children' were still chucking out episodes. HBO also got it's start, with awesome shows like 'Sex And The City, 'Oz', and the most popular drama series up until 2006, 'The Sopranos'.
Amazing things on TV your childhood wish it had:
Power Rangers: No, not that new badly acted garbage. The old badly acted garbage, which charmed with it's silly outrageousness and complete sexism, racism, and homo-erotic undertones. Seriously, who can doubt that Jason and Tommy were destined to fall in love - together they make Christmas colors. Aww.
Rocko's Modern Life: You have to love a kid's show that has the cojones to feature not only naked, talking cows, digestive vacuums, and 'Shining' references, but Australian people. The fortune cookie episode is a classic of the medium. Seriously, who doesn't remember that?
The WB!: Hell yes, I would be kicking my own ass for not mentioning this. 'Freakazoid', 'Pinky And The Brain', 'Animaniacs', hell, even 'Tiny Toons'. I haven't seen any of it for at least a decade, but I would easily watch that stuff for hours back when I was a kid. There was something special there - a unified artistic vision.. oh, who am I kidding, it was mindless fun. But it was FUN. Something cable TV has no need for anymore, as evidenced by the WB's swift death this decade.
My So-Called Life: Is there a demographic this couldn't please? It appeals to anyone who's ever been to High School, any guy who's ever seen the episode where Claire Danes hides in her own shirt (oh yes...), and even parents, since the writing in the show actually allows for the parents to be real, sympathetic characters. You know, people. Sure, it's aged about as well as those D.A.R.E. commercials, but whatever. A coming of age dramedy of such substance hasn't been made since...
Freaks And Geeks: The signaling of Judd Apatow's rise to comic grace, the beginning of Seth Rogen and James Franco's careers, a really great series that holds up even better than it's quality (and equally ignored) follow-up, Un-Declared. The sad fact is that if this seemed miles ahead of it's time for 1999, it's still a longshot success even now. Sigh.
'Wait a minute, Phil, what if I didn't watch television in the 90's?'
Hmmm... how about some music?
(To Be Continued)
Until we meet again... http://www.youtube.com/wat
Believe me, you know what it is. And it is amazing.
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