Age-Old Feuds

Welcome, Blog Spot faithful. This is my first exclusive Blog Spot post (I think), and I want to start my time off here with a blast, with something everybody can appreciate - feuds! And I don't just mean any old feud. I mean the epic, decade-spanning, and life-defining feuds of human history. Are you ready for some death?

Nirvana Vs. Pearl Jam

Eddie Vedder and Kurt Cobain are kind of like the Batman and The Joker, if, of course, you're willing to suspend enough belief to imagine Kurt Cobain killing people and Eddie Vedder doing the Batman voice (I fucking dare you not to laugh at that). One is the embattled good guy, trying to do his best in a crooked world which makes him cry silently at night while reads old National Geographic issues, while the other is a nihilistic loner who views life from a pessimistic, detached point of view (I'd say he also follows nobody else's rules, but he WAS married - major ego blow). This is kind of like MJ vs. Prince where the lucky bastard who dies first gets the gold and the other guy shows up on Rolling Stone (or Spin - !!!!) talking about their new album and old tales about running around nude in foreign countries.

Result:

Of course, Kurt ends up winning (and consequently, Nirvana), while Eddie Vedder gets to stick around doing amazing live shows and making film soundtracks that tempt murder.

Germany Vs. France

Any history buffs in here (ok, Jon) will love this rivalry, which might not be as well known as England and France, but it is far more petty and hilarious. Germany formed in 1871 by beating France in the Franco-Prussian War, who were so embittered by their defeat that they decided to respond by repeatedly burning down German villages on the borderline of both countries (in fact, my last name, Spires, derives from the Geramn town Spyre, which the French lovingly burned down a grand total of five times. FIVE times) and complaining to England, who, predictably, sided withFrance, their greatest allies (!), and eventually started WW1, where France and England ruined the world by pushing the Treay Of Versailles down everybody's throats and ignoring US diplomacy to stick it to the Germans. Germany promptly responded by defeating France, splitting them into two halves of the same country, and killing every man, woman, and child of French descent all over the world. Oh, sorry, that was just a dream I had.

Result:

Fuck France.

Nice Guys Vs. Douchebags

You know the guys I mean. The sweet guy tries to make everyone happy and thinks the best way into a girl's heart is helping her with homework during re-runs of 'Friends' who spends his free time developing his mind through academic and artstic pursuits. Then there's the guy who spends all his free time working out and thinking about what his best sex pose is while he tapes videos of himself masturbating for dating websites. Yikes. Of course, this type of man is much more popular with the more attractive women who usually they end ruining life by having sharung her opinions about anything with him, while the sweet guy will inevitably find an emotionally fulfilling relationship with a partner who makes the concept of religious abstinence an attractive option.

The result: I really hate being a guy.

Dogs Vs. Cats

Ok, not a human feud, but still acceptable, being dogs and cats are perfect enemies; in fact, there may be no group or species capable of creating such a disparate amount of results (excepting, perhaps, people vs. traffic). Dogs are by turns innocent, clingy, and plain stupid, while cats are like noir villians, constantly pessimistic and threateningly nonchalant. One has the charm of being lovable and loyal, while the other tempts you towards the dark side and holds you in thrall until you skate the very recesses of the abyss. Damn!

Result:

I'm buying a cat right now.

George W. Bush Vs. Literacy, The Economy, and History Books

I'm just kidding, guys. Not a real feud. It's kind of like 'Obama Vs. The Inevitable Popularity Dive', except that it doesn't make me want to kill myslef every time I read it.

This Vs. That

Who?

Result:

Dead brain cells.

I would go on, but frankly, if you've made it this far, you have issues. Go read a good book and stop reading my wretched blogs (until the next one!).